February is kind of a big month for me, my birthday, Valentines Day and The Oscars of course! It is also the month my dad passed away February 24, 1993, 19 years ago. I was reminded again of the immense pain of loosing someone when I heard the news about Brenda Gutierrez, 16, and Thalia Arredondo, 16, who lost their lives on this past Friday the 24th in a fatal car accident right behind our home. Two best friends, beautiful girls. Their love for each other was so clear in this video they made together about best friends. "The Perfect Two"
When you loose someone you love you are left with feelings and emotions that your body cannot physically handle. The state of shock, the deep aching kind of pain. The pain that cannot even be expressed in words. I know it's been a long time since my dad passed, but if you have ever lost someone you love, you know that the heartache doesn't fully go away, just slowly shifts from the front window to the rear view.
Leading up to the 24th I usually get extra emotional, or more insecure, nervous that maybe my husband will not be here for our family or simply an unexplainable sadness. I thought it would fitting to share my experience with pain, my "story." The one life that each of us lives. The life that sums up who we are and have become. I believe your "story" is a beautiful legacy, the imprint of who you are and what you will be remembered for.
The most important decision we have when dealing with pain is ...what we choose to do with it? Will you let it destroy you or motivate you? Cripple you or drive you? Weaken your conscience or strengthen your conviction? Give you a will to fight or allow a reason for apathy? What I have learned over these 19 years is even with Christ, we are not promised tomorrow. Even if we are doing it all right, tragedy without reason still comes knocking. That in our best efforts to be "good people" we are ultimately not guaranteed a perfect life. In fact, we are sometimes called to weather the storm and build our character and faith through trial. After years of trying to figure out the "why"I began to see the "how" how can this make me stronger, wiser, bolder, more intuitive, selfless, and mission driven?
I have also learned that we fail, I fail, and we hurt those we love and make choices that altar the life you thought you had or change the course of your future. We are human, "saved" by grace but not without flaw or free will. The will to choose life or destruction. The law of consequences. Although we are extended mercy and forgiveness, it is not without pain. Without it would we still choose to cling, I mean literally hold on to "his truths?" Or trust that in the middle of the storm he has a plan and purpose and can somehow, even though unimaginable, use our pain for a glorious reason. To help someone who may just need our pain to heal from theirs. I don't have the answers or the resolve to "why" but I don't need the why. Because this is not our end, or forever. It is the beginning... the beginning to a new "story."
What is your story?
When you loose someone you love you are left with feelings and emotions that your body cannot physically handle. The state of shock, the deep aching kind of pain. The pain that cannot even be expressed in words. I know it's been a long time since my dad passed, but if you have ever lost someone you love, you know that the heartache doesn't fully go away, just slowly shifts from the front window to the rear view.
Leading up to the 24th I usually get extra emotional, or more insecure, nervous that maybe my husband will not be here for our family or simply an unexplainable sadness. I thought it would fitting to share my experience with pain, my "story." The one life that each of us lives. The life that sums up who we are and have become. I believe your "story" is a beautiful legacy, the imprint of who you are and what you will be remembered for.
My first experience with this kind of pain was at age 12 when my parents told us they were separating. Up until this point, we were a regular family busy with school, church, dance, gymnastics etc. I didn't fully understand what was going on and my mom was intentional about protecting us from too many details, so as hard as it was we began to move forward.
At Age 14 is when we got the knock on our door telling us that our dad had passed away. He was found in his car at his apartment and died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Life stood still for several minutes as I was trying to process what was just said. You can only imagine the days, weeks, months and even years after that major loss in our family and the pain that came along with it. Being only 14, it was very hard to even know what to do with the pain or if I would ever get through it. Not only had I been dealing with the separation but now my dad is gone. I remember the trip to the coroners office to see him one last time. It is a visual I will never forget. I began to do things like sleep with his gloves and the tie he had been wearing to feel comfort from his scent. I really struggled and even went through some very dark seasons where I tried numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol. I found myself pulling out my hair and eyebrows and even cut myself a few times thinking the pain of the cut didn't compare to what i was feeling inside.
I am so thankful for a strong mother, who recognized my struggle and got me into counseling. Who kept our family connected into a church family and youth group creating positive relationships to help us begin healing. This was pinnacle to my grieving and making the decision to move through the pain. Both of my parents had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This foundation and knowledge helped me to understand how to receive God's love. A love that knew no limits and withheld nothing. A love that is transformational and healing. A love that could fill the empty places. I realized then that even with faith, we are still human and with that comes imperfect people, tragedy and real pain.
The most important decision we have when dealing with pain is ...what we choose to do with it? Will you let it destroy you or motivate you? Cripple you or drive you? Weaken your conscience or strengthen your conviction? Give you a will to fight or allow a reason for apathy? What I have learned over these 19 years is even with Christ, we are not promised tomorrow. Even if we are doing it all right, tragedy without reason still comes knocking. That in our best efforts to be "good people" we are ultimately not guaranteed a perfect life. In fact, we are sometimes called to weather the storm and build our character and faith through trial. After years of trying to figure out the "why"I began to see the "how" how can this make me stronger, wiser, bolder, more intuitive, selfless, and mission driven?
I have also learned that we fail, I fail, and we hurt those we love and make choices that altar the life you thought you had or change the course of your future. We are human, "saved" by grace but not without flaw or free will. The will to choose life or destruction. The law of consequences. Although we are extended mercy and forgiveness, it is not without pain. Without it would we still choose to cling, I mean literally hold on to "his truths?" Or trust that in the middle of the storm he has a plan and purpose and can somehow, even though unimaginable, use our pain for a glorious reason. To help someone who may just need our pain to heal from theirs. I don't have the answers or the resolve to "why" but I don't need the why. Because this is not our end, or forever. It is the beginning... the beginning to a new "story."
What is your story?
1 comments:
Ahndea, this is beautiful. You wrote with such wisdom and insight.Thanks for opening up and sharing your heart. You may never know who/how many people who will touch with your story. But you are living example of God's love.
Praying for you!! Love you. xo
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